Have you noticed?

In a small way, just a passing thought, and after a short while, you have been laid out, in true shape and form but with a little bit and small margin of difference. But in all its basics, concept, and substance it is there. So what can you say about that? Penuh Kesyukuran kepada Allah Yang Maha Berkuasa lagi Menguasai Segala-GalaNya. Allahuakbar.

Effective..?

Kepada Mu Ya Allah saya memohon pertolongan...

I cant help thinking of me running away from them. I must be strong when in trying times testing me to the bones, flesh, and blood. I have been telling myself i am borrowed to this world. I am borrowed to the family. Am i being needed anymore? I don't know. Kepada Allah saya memohon kesedaran tinggi yang membolehkan saya nampak sesuatu. Allah yang Maha Berkuasa lagi Menguasai Segala-galaNya. Allahuakbar.

keep it to my self for now..

No matter what, everybody is a fighter in oneself. If one is to feel big and strong, just get oneself free from being bullied by `rights' unnecessarily imposed by actions of tyranny and dictatorship of one kind or another. Others are trying to do just that. And with the help from Allah, the goodness shall triumph over ill intentions and evils. Allahuakbar.

how come I feel bigger..? Am I seeing things from a bigger and enlightened brain?

This is because you have made known to the world that you mean what you say. If ever they are trying to deprive of what my rights are, then they should be punished psychologically. That sense of psychology makes me bigger and much freer than before. In actual fact I feel that I am surrounded by opportunities. Sesungguhnya Allah sahaja Yang Maha Berkuasa ke atas Segala-GalaNYA. Allahuakbar.

I have never missed in anything..

Then you are absolutely wrong. Only Allah has never missed in anything. Since Allah has never missed in anything, then there shall no secrets in life here and the world hereafter. Allahuakbar.

are they leaders? Adakah mereka memimpin..?

Dalam kalangan mereka, berapa orang sangat yang mengambil berat akan kesulitan orang lain dalam konteks menghadapi kehidupan yang penuh dengan rahsia rahsia yang masih kita sama sama sedang mencarinya. Di sinilah kita memerlukan kepimpinan yang memahami dan mempercepatkan proses kefahaman dan kemengertian dalam segala tindak tanduk yang bakal dihadapi oleh semua orang. Semoga Allah mempermudahkan urusan kita sesama kita apa lagi sesama saudara Islam. Allahuakbar.

ada yang tidak terjumpa lagi...

Dirasakan mereka ada lagi. Atau mereka telah meninggalkan dunia buat selama-lamanya. Aku sendiri sudah menjangakau umur yang ada kala mencelarukan fikiran dan perasaan. Bersyukur kerana jejari aku akan menulis segala-gala yang terasa. Adakah aku spesial orangnya? Kalau spesial dimana letaknya `kespesialan' aku? Atau adakah aku juga antara yang tidak terjumpa lagi? Wallahualam. Allahuakbar.

challenge..?

They say so. I say so. Everybody says so. Is life a challenge? Yes if only you have set a measurable goal to achieve within certain period of time. Have you set yours? I don't think so. Then life is what you have undergone full of pain and miseries. But eventually you have made and come out good. Penuh kesyukuran. Allahuakbar.

saya tidak berubah..

tapi kalau hendak berlakon sebagai orang tiga suku, senang je...itu tiga suku je berbanding dengan orang yang telah jadi gila kerana harta benda...

so many variables tend to interfere..

Too many variables interfering in achieving a clear thinking. One way to eliminate all the variables is to exclude all the variables except death. Whatever, whoever, death is the full stop clearing all the clumsiest and fuzzy thinking. Wallahualam. Allahuakbar.

the one fear that spells a geniune fear...

Not having the slightest thinking that one day I shall woke up to the fact that I shall fight back. I was not what I am now. But it seems I am the one they fear most. It is the fear that spells fear. It is like throwing a spear right straight into their hearts. Am I striking back? Ya Allah. Hanya kepada Mu Ya Allah saya menyerah. Allahuakbar.

Mengamuk kecil...ledakan besar..ledakan kecil..

Walaupun saya dikeliling oleh suara suara sumbang, dikelilingi oleh amuk besar dan merampas hak orang lain, syukur kepada Allah Subhanawataala, itu hanya merupakan amuk kecil dan dan ianya kekal, ianya tidak berubah semenjak saya kecil lagi. Ia seolah-olah menyerupai letupan dan ledakan dan letupan yang besar berlaku di sekeliling, tetapi saya hanya menyedarinya sebagai ledakan kecil, amukan kecil. Apabila melihat diri sendiri di cermin, yang lama masih terasa kekalnya. Allahuakbar.

should I succumb to anger..?

Why I am holding too hard to my inner strength? On my own? Definitely not! Allah is always there to assist me in the thought that seem not to recognize that Allah is always there. And now can I feel it? All along my measurement, my judgment is wrong. The measurement should never been in monetary terms. So many nations, so many buildings have fallen to becoming bushes, clog drains and jungles because of obsession in monetary measurement and devoid of love and concern. And, the advice is not to repeat it. Give love, concern, and care where it is due. It should be the priority in building up a relationship. Make it an iconic to justification despite finding it well favored and well respected but too worldly. Think heaven. Never ever let yourself fall prey to money. Allah is Great. Allahuakbar.

that `burst'...

.standard 5..me ?top far right looking at the camera.
far left Krishnan, Arimuthu, and Sankaran

It is divine. It is Allah the All Great, the All Mighty. Have you not realize it? Your `ability' is worth more than $1.75 million, more than $1.8 million. In actual fact they are talking cheap. They are talking rubbish. They are talking nonsense. The blood that flows, the sweat that oozes out, the tears that drop, all are indications of Allah's Greatness in bestowing an `ability' into HIS creation. Theron, life shall be a smooth flow of invisibility, divisibility and creativity. Thats is what I am. Wallahualam. Allahuakbar.

unchartered territory...

unchartered territory...it has been so long since i want to have that fighting spirit again. And it seems I am being pervaded by that spirit. In Islam it is being called as Jihad. In my situation, can it be equated as fighting for my right? In the individual sense would it still be described as Jihad? Well I have my right. Right? Whatever in Allah I submit myself. Allahuakbar.

ilmu dari segenap penjuru...

Adakah terlihat siapa diri dari sudut dalam, yang terasa, yang tertafsir, dan yang tersedar? Siapa pula diri saya dari kaca mata orang luar. Adakah terlihat diri dari sudut saya sebagai bapa? Adakah terlihat diri dari sudut saya sebagai suami? Di mana saya dan siapa saya dari sudut satu satu peristiwa dan kedudukan? Sesungguhnya Allah sahaja yang Maha Mengetahui. Allahuakbar.

Tidak berada di permukaan yang sama dan serupa....lantas tidak ada jawapan...

Diamnya seseorang, malunya sesuatu pertemuan, ada kaitan dengan pemikiran, tabiat, yang ada kaitan dengan dekat atau jauhnya dengan permukaan. Pertemuan dan usaha ke arah penemuan dipermukaan. Permukaan yang berbeza...menyakitkan..tetapi dengan menyedari permukaan fitrah kehidupan dan kematian, kita akan kembali tenang...Berada dipermukaan dimensi hidup yang asing..sememang nya menakutakan...sebuah mimpi selalu membawa kita ke permukaan bumi yang mengkagumkan dan menakutkan...sedang mengikuti Selamat Pagi Malaysia..mereka lancar berbicara kerana permukaan dipijak adalah sama...Allah Yang Maha Berkuasa Ke Atas Segala Permukaan yang tidak ada kesudahan. Allahuakbar.

Pemikiran dan pelapisnya...

Mungkin kita akan terperangkap dengan pemikiran yang satu hala dalam segala-galanya. Mengapa tidak kita tukar hala sahaja pemikiran tersebut. Tidak senang kan? Ianya amat senang jika kita tahu bagaimana. How? Gantikan dengan pemikiran yang merupakan pelapis kepada pemikiran yang sudah hilang hala tujunya itu. Agak berat hendak menerimanya. Tapi itulah hakikat hidup. Lawannya mati. Penyerahan perlu berlaku semasa kita hidup lagi. Apa itu sangat susah dilakukan ke? Well. Why not give it a try. The answer is in `giving' and less in `taking'. Sesungguhnya Allah Yang Maha Pemberi. Allahuakbar.

why..? What..?

Hate that word `why'. A question that calls for no answer. It is being laid out the way it is. All shall be leaving the scene when the time comes. Myself? No exception. And I have been pushed to a dimensional world of what happen has been the way long before I am born to this world. Thus it is not `why' instead it should be `what'. As is in death, everybody is going to face it. So `what' is in tomorrow and let `why' answers itself. The day and `what' could just be as sure and `mystified' as death. Allahuakbar.

single it out one by one...

Dari sekecil-kecil benda, kepada sebesar-besar perkara dan peristiwa kesemuanya kalau tidak dihalusi merupakan perangkap yang akan merebahkan diri ke lurah durjana. Lihat sahaja bangunan peninggalan ayah, dengan keperluan dan kehendak berbeza-beza, ada yang sanggup melihat saudara sendiri dalam keadaan terkapai-kapai. Di buatnya saya seperti peminta sedekah. Ya Allah hanya Kepada Mu saya Memohon Pertolongan dan Perlindungan. Allahuakbar.

filling up my energy..

The spirit is in fighting in what you believe in. I have to fight for rights that belong to me. Someone has been parking his car on my land for almost three weeks now. And he is nowhere to be seen. He parks there without even asking my permission. Worse, I am blocked from accessing to the door step of my own house. Should I stay quiet despite of the fact that he parks there because my younger brother allows him to do so?  That person happens to be his friend. The irony is that my brother even failed to inform me of the parking. What should I do? Speak up or else they would always take you for granted and your presence are not being noticed. Do you want that? Allah Yang Maha Berkuasa Lagi Menguasai Segala-GalaNYA. Semoga segala tindak tanduk saya tidak menyalahi Ketentuan MU, Ya Allah. Allahuakbar.

mentadbir diri.....

Tanah Perkuburan Islam di Ampang Kuala Lumpur

Mengapa ianya selalu disalah ertikan? Faktor luaran dari pakai memakai, kereta, rumah, dan gaya hidup telah membuat pentadbiran diri dikaitkan dengan persepsi yang sepatutnya tidak wujud sama sekali. Yang dekat disangka jauh. Yang senang dan yang berkuasa, ternampak lebih dipercayai dan dihurmati.Yang kaya ternampak terpisah dari rakyat jelata. Mengelakkan dari kejatuhan kuasa, yang miskin diputarbelit supaya lebih cepat dipapa kedanakan.Yang dulunya kawan sekarang menjadi musuh yang perlu dihapuskan. Itulah hakikatnya kehidupan dan sejarah yang telah terlakar dan sedang terlakar. Justeru dapat juga ianya dikaitkan dengan mentadbir sebuah negara. Adakah ianya tidak pernah dijadikan satu iktibar dan satu panduan? Sentiasa memohon Pertolongan dan Perlindungan Allah. Allahuakbar.

Terhakis..?

Kemanisan berinteraksi yang menjanjikan kesinambungan tamaddun yang hebat dan kuat dirasakan terhakis. Adakah realiti hidup hanya sebuah mimpi ngeri di mana rasa kecintaan hanya seketika? Wallahualam. Hanya Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui akan Segala Rahsia CiptaanNYA. Kesinambungan yang benar hanya dalam Ketentuan Allah. KepadaNYA kita berserah memohon Pertolongan dan Perlindungan. Allahuakbar.

old journals - written when I was a student at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater..

death is real...

Then the sensing in the existence of that path is also real. Never I have felt the sensing is so real. Everybody is with their paths. They might know it. They might be unaware of it. They might `plan' for it. Some paths are just fantasies. And that path, in reality, and in the Greatness of Allah, has long been laid out for them and it is just a matter of picking up and rolling through. That makes each moves can be somewhat interesting despite a little surprise but it should not be a shock. Sesungguhnya kita adalah Ciptaan dalam KetentuanNYA menuju ke arah kematian. Allahuakbar.

What theory is this..?

We are moving towards mass and matter. Tomorrow is just a vacuum. We don't move forward then? Thus no more anger and hatred. Adakah meredai sesuatu yang berlaku merupakan fitrah pergerakan? Sebab itu kita senang menyebut apa yang telah disebut. Sebab itu kita tidak senang dengan idea baru. If you find what I write does not fit in, so am I. Unless you see yourself moving into the future that is the past. Wallahualam. Allahuakbar.

sentiasa bergerak mencari...

Buat apa? Jika mereka dengan kelakuan mereka yang tidak ingin berganjak, saya akan balik semula ke dunia di mana saya mula mengenali apa ertinya kurang ajar dan kurang sopan santun. Dunia yang sebegitu penuh dengan kesengsaraan dan ketandusan adab, tapi itulah hakikatnya. Diinginkan keadaan baik di mana terdapat kasih sayang, tetapi mereka sengaja melupakan yang baik. Bila bertanya, mereka menyangka kita tidak siuman dalam erti kata berada di alam yang satu lagi itu. Sebenarnya saya tersangat bebas dari sebarang ikatan. Tetapi adakah mereka cuba mendaki gunung untuk mengetahuinya? Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui. Allahuakbar.

alam kebatinan vs alam kefizikalan..

For hours I could stay there and sit there without the slightest of  feeling bored. Time is just running. And I am also running. Is that what I am, seeing things in a world of different dimensions. Just don't feel the hatred but only kindness. Don't feel the pain but only joy of working in the day and resting in the night. With couples of nightmares and bad dreams, I could still laugh and smiles. Untuk berterusan dan kesinambungan, mohon Taufik dan Hidayah dari Allah. Penuh kesyukuran. Allahuakbar.

are my actions and decsions too good to be true...?

I am questioning all the decisions and all the actions. Meredainya. I am looking into the `mechanism' of my mind and brains that leads to it all. Sometimes I can sense the unseen Power that pushes me into something. Not once, not twice, but so many times. In the beginning it seems to be wrong or so wrong, so to speak. Allah is Great. Allah Knows All. Allahuakbar.