I still have heart on everything...do they really care..?

I still love what I am doing. Wonder when I would say no to what I am doing right now. The past is still strongly link with what I am thinking right now...seems so hard to break, or is it meant not to be broken? Immortality..What about the reality? So hard to understand what is going on around me. Do they really care? The smiles and the look..very deceiving. Feel nowhere near them, psychologically, socially, and physically. Can never be. Everything is just blank. Have to push myself through though, say something funny..they still laugh, but do not know where finally I would be. Being happier by the day? Then it is something. Very OK then. But sometimes I would rather stay home then doing something where the sense of push is bringing me nowhere. But could I? Still doing the exploring..